Fragile Fairytales: Scream

(still) March 13, 2015

Today I’m feeling way better. I’m pretty sure now that I want to be baptized. The church will enrich my life. I’m not sure, though, if I will be ready for it on the 28^th of March, but that’s another story. I’m really looking forward to baptism now, whenever it will be! How I came to the conclusion? Troy Bolton helped me! No, that’s not a pseudonym for a friend. This time I really mean High School Musical Troy Bolton. Let me explain it to you :)

I watched Disney Movies the whole morning and half the afternoon. In between I read a few pages in the Book of Mormon, but only because I want to finish it before baptism… and baptism-day seems to run straight towards me… in light speed! I better hurry up reading or I won’t be able to finish it.

Even a Disney-Addict sometimes needs a break so I went to the Park with Olaf (my little sister :P) and the Dogs. On our way there we sang Disney Songs with all our heart (don’t worry, we took the car so no living beings were harmed).

One song that I couldn’t stop singing for the rest of the day was High School Musical’s ‘Scream’. I didn’t watch a High School Musical Movie today but they are definitely some of my all time favorites. Ever since I graduated School I can’t watch the last one without crying like a baby though :P (I seriously miss school! Really, no kidding! I loved school! And everything that reminds me of graduation, like a movie about graduating High School, is really sad for me ;D)

However, I sang the song again and again. I didn’t even know that I know the entire lyrics (too many ‘knows’ in this sentence, I know ;P). And then it hit me! Don’t laugh, okay?

I can really identify with Troy right now. In the last movie he has to decide between a college he really wants to go to, and one his father wants him to go to. It’s like me right now! I have to decide between getting baptized – which I actually really want – and not getting baptized…which my parents and pretty much all of my friends want me to choose.

Singing ‘Scream’ felt great. And it somehow really helps. I’ve got an idea! Let’s try something:

The day the door is closed  
The echoes fill your soul  
They won´t say which way to go
 Just trust your heart  
To find what you're here for  
Open another door  
But I´m not sure anymore
 It´s just so hard

So...everyone I ask which decision I should make says something like: „Trust your heart“. They don’t tell me which way I should go. They don’t make the decision for me. They can’t. But I’m just not sure anymore. I was sure before. Before I started the whole religion-thing. But now...everything’s so complicated...and hard.

Voices in my head
tell me they know best  
Got me on the edge  
They´re pushing, pushing – they´re pushing  

Everyone around me has an opinion. And their words are stuck in my head. They are quietly whispering all the time. Some tell me: “Just do it already!” and some say: “Don’t you ever dare to do it!”. But they all think they know it best. I’m on the edge already. I can’t go further. And still...everyone keeps pushing me.

I know they´ve got a plan  
But the ball´s in my hands
This time is man to man
 I´m droppin', fighting inside  
A world that´s upside down
And spinning faster  
What do I do now – without you

The world that`s spinning faster? My time. It’s not unlimited. The date of my baptism is so soon. My world is upside down. My best friend is gone; I’m doing something life-changing against the will of my parents for the first time. I’m actually being an adult...at least I’m trying to...but the child inside of me is just not ready to make such a decision on its own. What do I do now? Without you? Who’s my „you“? Maybe my best friend? Or the guiding hand of my parents. Or maybe it’s my own determination...

I don’t know where to go  
What's the right team  
I want my own thing  
So bad I´m gonna scream

The right team? Team Mormon vs. Team Atheist. There is no chance that I will join another religion, now, that I already believe in the Book of Mormon. It’s either Team Mormon or going back to my old life. Team Atheist is the easier one to choose...everyone would immediately support me. But would I be happy? Is it really what I want? I actually want to join Team Mormon, don’t I? I don’t know. I want my own thing; a combination of both. I want my old life, my best friend...the support of my parents, and yet, I do want to believe! I want the faith and everything I experienced throughout the last months...It’s so frustrating! I could scream!

I can´t choose, so confused  
What´s it all mean
 I want my own dream  
So bad I’m gonna scream

I’m really so confused...so incredibly confused by my own feelings...by everything. Is it really that hard? Or am I just making it hard?

I´m kicking down the walls  
I gotta make ´em fall  
Just break through ´em all
 I´m punchin´, crashing – I´m gonna  
Fight to find myself  
Me and no one else  
Which way, I can´t tell  
I´m searchin´, searchin´  Can´t find the…
way that I should turn  
I should turn right or left  It´s…
it´s like nothing works – without you

I’m fighting. I really am. I try so hard to figure out what’s the right thing... for my whole life. But to know that I need to figure out what I really want. I need to find myself, what I want, and only what I want, but it’s so difficult! I’m searching for answers to help me find the right way... but there are good reasons for both ways. I just don’t know what to do... nothing works the way I want it to work.

I don’t know where to go  
What's the right team  
I want my own thing
So bad I´m gonna scream
I can´t choose so confused  
What´s it all mean  
I want my own dream  
So bad I’m gonna scream

Yeah the clock´s running down
 Hear the crowd gettin´ loud  
I´m consumed by the sound  
Is it her, is it love  
Can the music ever be enough  
Gotta work it out, Gotta work it out  
You can do it, you can do it

The clock’s running down. The sisters won’t stay forever and I’m pretty sure that no one else will ever again be able to break through my walls. I have to make the decision within the next few weeks. So little time... but I know that I can figure it out! I can do it!

But then again... I’m just so confused... so incredibly confused. BUT we all know how High School Musical ends, don't we? Troy chooses what his heart tells him he should choose and his dad is okay with it. That means I should get baptized, doesn't it?

Scream

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