March 17, 2015
Actually
it’s already March 18 (it’s almost 1 am). I just quickly want to write this
because I noticed something pretty remarkable. My last post… it’s only a few
days ago but I was feeling so bad because I still wasn’t sure what to do about
baptism. It might sound stupid to you and you don’t really get my problem, but really…
it’s a big deal for me because I know that this decision will probably change
my life. Well okay, maybe it’s not that
bad. The only thing I had to change so far is my tea drinking habit. Oh yeah,
and the coffee, but I drank coffee like once a month and it actually only was
milk with sugar and a drop of coffee ;D I don’t like the taste of coffee.
Apart from
that I already kinda lived like an unreligious Mormon… probably my life is even
more boring than a Mormon’s life (if you’d call a Mormon’s life boring). But
that’s not even what I wanted to write :D
Well, after
the movie on Friday I wasn’t really feeling good. I had such a bad conscious
because I hadn’t told Sister Elsa and Anna how I felt, and in addition I was
pretty unsure about baptism again. But then I started this blog on Saturday and
have been translating my posts from German into English. Yup, I actually wrote
them in German (at the dates which are written above each post). I decided to
write this blog in English though because it’s more international, and I need
to practice my English writing skills :)
So while
translating these posts I – of course – think about the events of the last
months a lot. And while thinking about them I realized something… but first,
let me tell you a little about Sunday.
On Sunday I
didn’t go to church. Why? Because I wanted to go to a book fair with some
friends. They decided to go on Sunday and I was too scared to tell them I
couldn’t because I was trying to convince them that joining a church wouldn’t
change me. All of my friends know that I’m not a person for weekday/night
activities. I always preferred weekends. So telling them that I couldn’t come
on a Sunday because I had to go to church… that was so unlike me.
Whatever,
enough attempts to justify myself. I was a coward once again. And I paid with a
bad conscious. Subject closed.
We took a
train to the book fair and had to wait for another friend at the station. Ariel
(she was with me) suggested that we could wait at Starbucks. Starbucks wasn’t
really my favorite coffee shop (it’s a little overpriced in my opinion) but the
thought of a delicious Frappuccino was hard to resist.
STOP!
Inside of Starbucks I remembered that I wasn’t allowed to drink coffee. No
Frappuccino for me. I quickly scanned the tea offers. Oh bloody hell, they only
had black and green teas. Those weren’t allowed either. But I had to buy
something or we wouldn’t be allowed to sit down and not buying anything would
be impolite towards Ariel. I wasn’t hungry though. Dang it, I decided to buy a
hot chocolate. It was way too sweet of course and I was feeling sick the whole
day. Sugar shock ;P All these prohibitions and rules were harder to comply than
I thought they would be…
The Fair
was overcrowded and there were a lot of weird people, but we were there for
books. And they had a lot of books. Let me spare you the details and jump to
the “exciting” part.
It was when
we entered the area where they had all the religious stuff. Like I said, it was
totally overcrowded. There was an Islamic stand. A young man was handing out
pamphlets. Everyone ignored him though. He suddenly looked directly at me and
approached me. It was absolutely weird! There were thousands of people and I
wasn’t even close to him. He gave me a pamphlet and wanted to tell us something
about his religion. My friends declined with thanks and walked on. I smiled at
him apologetic and followed my friends.
What’s the
big deal about it? Well, I’m just surprised that he approached me the way he
did. As if he had somehow felt that I was ‘looking for’ religion… or faith. And
it wasn’t even the first time I experienced something like that during the last
6 or 7 months. Some friends of me and even my sisters said that religious
people had never approached them before. I, however, was always the one
religious people spoke to in the bus or at the bus stop, etc. And during the
last months it had happened even more often. But that’s impossible, isn’t it?
It’s just a coincidence, isn’t it? It’s absolutely impossible that they know
that I’m receptive to religion, isn’t it?
However,
I’m not interested in Islamism. The pamphlet went into the garbage as soon as I
was home.
So today is
Tuesday. The Sisters are in Berlin until Friday. I’m excited for them because
they mentioned quite a few times that they liked Berlin. I’m also sad though
because I somehow miss them. Well, at least it gives me a foretaste of what it
will be like when they are gone for good… which will be in a few weeks! :'(
By the way,
what’s the thing about Berlin? It’s like everyone, especially foreigners, love
Berlin! Am I seriously the only person on this planet who doesn’t like Berlin?
We have so many beautiful cities in Germany: Weimar, Dresden, Cologne,
Düsseldorf, Hamburg, Munich… but Berlin? Whatever, tastes differ.
Yeah so I
started this blog on Saturday. It already helped me a lot. Seriously! I notice so much while writing down my thoughts
and translating them. It’s as if the thoughts are encoded in my head and by
writing them down I decode them. Only then – when I read them - do I realize
what I already had in mind the whole time.
So while I
was translating my first few posts I realized that I have no explanation for
quite a few things that have happened in the past. Like for example why exactly
I filled in the form on New Year’s Eve, why I listened to the sister’s first
mailbox-message (something I had never done before)… I can’t even explain why
I’m suddenly so interested in religion – especially the Mormon Church. Maybe
it’s all just a coincident, but I like to believe that it’s more of a proof of
divine guidance.
Today I
know that there is a God in heaven. That’s undeniable. I just feel it. And I believe that He has a
plan for all of us. So why shouldn’t He have been leading me from the start?
It’s just that I was totally unaware of it… I only just realized that He has
been there the whole time, or at least quite a while. Why else would my
attitude towards religion have changed the way it did? It’s a 180-degree turn…
Well
however, I’m trying out a new strategy at the moment to better cope with all
the negative things my family says about the Mormons. Earlier, when they said
something bad about Mormons I started a discussion. I tried to defend the
Mormons. I suddenly had to switch positions because usually I was the plaintiff
and the sisters were the defenders. But now I was the defender. It was so
difficult because I didn’t know a lot, and defending something you don’t really
know anything about is… impossible. But I couldn’t just let my family get away
with their ‘accusations’.
Most of the
times I lost though. I just didn’t know enough to be the defender. And that
outfaced me. It drove me crazy! It was like… I met the sisters and came home
extremely enthusiastically, but within seconds my family had shattered the
enthusiasm again. It was an endless cycle.
My new
strategy is ‘ignoring the problem’. I know, that’s not a permanent solution,
but at the moment I really need to find out how I feel about ‘the Mormons’. If I always listen to my family and
friends and let them destroy the good thoughts I will never know what I
actually feel because it’s just their opinions. And I need to make up my own
mind.
I accepted
that they don’t want me to be baptized. I also accepted, though, that it’s my
decision. Just like it’s Troy’s to choose the college. My family won’t hate me
just because I decide to get baptized… or at least I hope they won’t. Maybe one
day they will even realize that it’s the right belief for me. (But of course I
have to realize it myself first :D)
So when my
dad started to drag the Mormon religion through the dirt, I went into my room.
I took the Book of Mormon and read a chapter. Then I listened to a chapter from
the Bible.
And it
helps! My doubts slowly begin to fade. And my parents didn’t say anything
against the Mormons in 48 hours! It’s a minor success, but it is a success!
Isn’t that great?
I just
texted the Sisters and told them that I would like to try to be ready for baptism on March 28. It’s less than 10 days,
guys!! The Sisters and I still need to talk about so many things… but they said
we could make it.
I’m not
even half through the Book of Mormon so if the 28th really works I
probably won’t finish it… but right now I don’t care. I mean, if I think about
baptism now I feel as if I need to throw up! No kidding! But still, I believe
that this is what I want.
I believe
in God; I believe that Jesus Christ died for us so that we can be forgiven and
I believe that he was resurrected. I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet
and that the Book of Mormon is not just a storybook. And if I believe all of
this… then what exactly is keeping me from joining the church?
This is one of my all time favorite songs! I just looked up the lyrics for the first time and almost cried. It's so beautiful. In every way!
