March 13, 2015
I feel like I should share this small diary entry with you guys. Actually it's pretty embarrassing but this blog is anonymous so… who cares!? :D Enjoy! ;)
Dear Diary,
so it’s
1:35 am and I can’t sleep. My head is exploding. I need to write this before I
can sleep. Okay, I met the Sisters and an older Missionary-Couple a few hours
ago. We watched a movie called „Meet the Mormons“. That movie is seriously
great. It’s so beautiful and sad and ... inspiring. It’s really good. So yeah,
we watched it and afterwards I was asked how I liked it and how I felt about it
or what I felt at all. Yeah, I know. My favorite questions. What was my answer?
Of course: „I don’t know“ and a few „yeahs“ and a lot of nodding and shrugging.
You wanna murder me? Yes please! Go on! It’s easier than doing it myself.
Sister Elsa
apparently knows me pretty well by now and she told me to write down how I
feel, or felt (whatever) when I’m home, and I promised to do that...so yeah,
here I am. First of all, I don’t know why I act so weird when I’m around any of
the „Mormons“. It’s as if I suddenly turned into stone. I don’t know what to
say and I feel so incredibly self-conscious and insecure. It’s probably because
I always think about what I am supposed to say...what they probably want to
hear. And then I can’t say anything at all. I hate it! I really do! I’m annoyed
as fuck (sorry) about myself and I’m really starting to discover a completely
new side of me. The „I’m a stone“-side and I don’t like that side. Why does
everything about this religion-thing feel so personal to me? Yeah, I don’t like
talking about personal stuff. It usually takes years for me till I’m ready to
open up to someone...but this whole religion thing isn’t even that personal, is
it? Man, I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m definitely gonna try to change
it! As fast as possible...okay, so about the movie. Even if I wore my
„stone-expression“ during the whole movie, for whatever reason, I was actually
pretty much overwhelmed. Like I said, that movie was so beautiful and I wish I
could show it to my whole family and all of my friends. I’m definitely gonna
recommend it to them. The scene where the mother talked about the loss of her
baby… I swear, I felt as if I was about to have a heart attack. My heart was
beating so fast b/c I was so sad. You know me! I usually cry during every
freaking movie! Most of the time they are not even sad, but I still cry...and
there I was… just sitting there like a stone. They must think I’m a heartless bitch
(sorry) or something! My eyes were about to explode b/c the tears were so heavy
but I couldn’t bring myself to cry. It’s as if I am trapped in a wrong body; a
body that I have no control of.
And even worse was the scene about the
Missionary who left his family. What I felt during that moment? I was
incredibly thankful. So freaking thankful that I had met the Sisters. So
freaking thankful that I was sharing that moment with these amazing people. So
freaking thankful...and sad. I didn’t deserve them; not at all. I didn’t
deserve their kindness. They left their freaking families to talk to stupid and
unthankful people like me. I just wish I could tell them how grateful I am and
how much I appreciate their work. How much I admire them. But I know that if I
tried the words would be stuck in my throat and I would only be able to say a
half-hearted sentence. And I hate myself for it. I could have told them right at
that moment how I felt. I knew it and I wanted to tell them...but I was a
freaking coward...let my insecurities fight myself. This has to stop! I need to
change it!! I need to find a way to let Sister Elsa and Sister Anna know how I
really felt the whole time...maybe I should just print this whole thing out and
give it to them. But then again my stupid stone-self will probably never let me
do that. Wow, I feel like a schizophrenic person ... Okay, enough. I’m really
tired now. See ya tomorrow! J
xoxo
Pixiedust
