March 13, 2015
On the same
evening when my best friend ‘broke up’ with me there was a concert in church. I love
music, so of course I didn’t want to miss that opportunity. Yeah, I felt
horrible and I had been crying for hours but life had to go on…
There was
one good thing about the ‘break-up’. My mother and my sisters were really angry
and couldn’t understand Snow White’s behavior. They said that a person doesn’t
change because of his or her religion and that there was absolutely no
explanation or excuse for her behavior. It meant that they wouldn’t hate me if
I decided to be baptized, didn’t it?
The concert
was incredibly beautiful. It was simply amazing! The vocalist sang like an
angel! And it also was a great distraction. After the concert I stayed for a
while to talk to my favorite missionaries Sister Elsa and Anna about random
things. It was really nice … until Sister Elsa pointed out that she would quite
probably be transferred at the beginning of April.
I had
really tried not to think about it too much after Sister Belle had been
transferred to another city in January…but now it seemed impossible to ignore
it any longer. I fought back my tears.
Sister Elsa
said that she really wanted to be there when I got baptized… which was planned
for April 18, but she would probably already be gone by then. She said that she
could take a train from wherever she would be, but I said that that would be
very inconvenient for her. We agreed to bring the date forward to the 4th
of April. Oh man, if you knew how fast my heart was beating! I wasn’t sure if I
wanted to be baptized in April at all because it was way to early for my
liking. But I didn’t have the heart to tell them.
On my way
home I recalled the day. It had been incredibly emotional. But I knew a few
things for sure…and I texted this message to the sisters:
“[…] today really was one of the worst days of
my life. The not so new news about you guys leaving kinda finished me off b/c I
really like you guys and I knew the day would come but hearing it just makes it
so much more…real!? Idk, it’s not even what I want to say. So the thing is,
what happened today kinda made me open my eyes. I told you that I didn’t know
if I believe or not and stuff but the truth is that I did believe everything
the whole time. Yeah, I didn’t have a super spectacular feeling while praying
or anything and praying with you guys is still sooooo awkward but it’s just
like…when I went to bed without praying I couldn’t sleep. When I didn’t go to
church on Sundays I had a bad feeling. The day I told you that I kinda don’t
wanted to meet you any longer…that felt horrible. I feel so much better ever
since we started this whole thing that I didn’t even realize I did until I
didn’t anymore. I know, I sound completely insane…well, however, what happened
today… it was a complicated situation but I knew what to do. I knew which
decision I had to make and even though it really hurts right now I just know
that it was the right thing to do. What I want to say is, even though it
doesn’t really seem like it all the time […] I do believe and I do want to be
baptized. It really means so much to me that I can’t even imagine a life
without … Faith anymore. Yeah, that’s it basically. I’m so grateful that I had
the opportunity to meet you guys. Thank you so much. […]”
Everyone
(who knows me) knows that I’m not a person that talks a lot about personal
stuff. I just don’t like it. It really only works with people I know for ages.
It’s a whole different thing, though, when it comes to writing down feelings. I
have no idea why, but writing about personal stuff is easy and always has been.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have to see how readers react.
Anyway, the
sisters really seemed to be happy about that message. We continued meeting and
I found out that the myth of ‘magical underwear’ is not a myth. It’s reality. I
was a bit (a lot!) surprised about it. Of course, the people on the net exaggerated
it a little bit. I read that Mormons had to wear their magical underwear 24/7
and that they weren’t even allowed to wash it. Fortunately, that wasn’t true! Or at least the Sisters said it
wasn’t true :D If I understood it right, it’s just a temple-thing. And from
everything I have heard, the temple is a pretty weird place anyway.
Everything
was alright. I was feeling good. The baptism-date was set… until it wasn’t
anymore. Apparently April 4 wouldn’t work because on that weekend there would
be something called general conference. And it seemed to be pretty important.
(I still didn’t find out what’s so important about it). The new date of baptism
should be March 28.
What the
heck!? I felt sick to my stomach and didn’t know what to say. It was too early!
Way too early! And I wasn’t ready; not at all. I asked the Sisters if I could
think about it.
And that’s
what I did. I thought about it. I thought about it a lot. I read a few pages of
the Book of Mormon every day, listened to a chapter from the Bible every night
and prayed a lot. I wanted to be baptized. I believed in The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints. I knew that it was true. And still, I was back at
the beginning. I felt insecure and sick. I didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t
know with whom I could talk about it. I didn’t want to bug my friends with it.
The only person I really wished I could talk to was my best friend… but she was
gone.
So I went
to my mother. She’s absolutely against this baptism. I knew it, and I also knew
that she would do anything to talk me out of it, but I really needed to talk about it with anyone. I told her about the new date of
baptism and something else I had learned during Institute (Institute = a
‘lesson’ for people between 18 and 30 years or something. I don’t really know
how to explain it ‘cause I myself don’t really know what it is ;P but it’s once
a week).
I went to
that Institute-thingy with the sisters. There they either talk about the Bible,
the Book of Mormon or ‘Doctrine and Covenants’ for an hour. It changes every
year or something. I’m not sure. However, that day the topic was ‘hostilities
and how to deal with them’. The ‘teacher’ told us a bit about hostilities
Mormons had to deal with in the early years after the church was restored. It
was fierce; it was horrible and just at that time good, old Joseph Smith was
called to serve a mission in Canada, which was far, far away from the terrible
problems.
Everything
inside of me screamed: Aha! He is a
liar after all! Founds a church and cuts and runs when things become critical.
The
‘teacher’ explained it like this though: God called Joseph Smith to serve a
mission far away because Smith was important and God still needed him. He still
had tasks to fulfill.
Sure,
sounds somehow conclusive. It didn’t convince me though. I doubted. But this
time I didn’t stop praying and I continued reading the Book of Mormon and the
Bible.
It was the
Book of Mormon itself that convinced me this time. I just couldn’t believe that
one man could possibly write such a book himself. Joseph Smith couldn’t be a
liar and I was sure – I am sure –
that the Book of Mormon is divinely inspired.
My doubts
about Joseph Smith were gone as fast as they came. And sill I was feeling bad.
I missed Snow White. I longed for one single person in my (old) life that
supported the idea of being baptized.
On Tuesday
after the bad Sunday I had met Ariel. She’s a good friend of mine and she’s my
only ‘religious’ friend. (She’s an evangelical Christian). We talked a lot and
it felt so good! She was the first person who told me that I should get
baptized if I had the feeling that the church did me good; that it strengthened
me. She told me a lot about how her faith had helped her in her life and how
important it was to her. It made me a little sad that we didn’t have a
conversation like this earlier. It was so interesting to listen to her story!
I also
texted Aurora and she said that I should definitely not get baptized if I
wasn’t absolutely sure that I really wanted it. If I truly wanted it though,
she would be ok with it. But she called it a ‘sect’ and that she was a little
worried about me.
Usually,
when I had to make such a hard decision, I would talk about it with my best
friend. She knows me better than I know myself and she would have known which
decision was the right one. But talking to her wasn’t possible.
Beside of
the fact that I really missed her, her reaction had taught me something else.
If I decided to be baptized, I would probably have to deal with a lot of rejection
and contempt afterwards. If not even my best friend stuck with me (after 10 (!)
years of a close friendship) strangers wouldn’t give me a chance.
I still
knew that I had found the right religion. I didn’t doubt the church… but I was
so scared! So I texted the Sisters and told them that I was back at the
beginning, that all my doubts were back, and that I had no idea what I was
supposed to do. I told them that I knew that they couldn’t understand my
position… they had never been in this situation. They had already been members
of the church when they were born!
Somehow
they convinced me to meet them again though. Another member of the church joint
us this time. She was about 40 or 50 years old. I told them that I didn’t doubt
the religion. I only doubted whether I should really turn away from my old life
or not.
I mean, I
only met the sisters because I was interested in their religion (because the
Piano Guys were Mormons) … I wasn’t really looking for a change in my life. My
life was good! I had great friends, had just graduated High School and started
University, I had a nice family and world’s most adorable dogs… everything was
perfectly fine. I thought that – if anything - faith would be a positive
addition to my life… but everything was breaking apart now. My family didn’t
support me, my friends didn’t really like the idea of me becoming religious, …
it would have been so easy to just go back to my old life. But then again it
was impossible because I knew the truth now. I knew that this church was true
and I couldn’t just ignore this knowledge, could I?
The other
member told me that she had been baptized when she was 26, and that her family
had been against it at the beginning, but that they did accept it now. I
explained that I was scared that my grandma (not the one you already know :D)
could find out. She was a Jehovah’s Witness and if she found out that her own
grandchild believed in a ‘false teaching’ she would be so incredibly
disappointed and would probably never want to see me again. But I love my
grandma! And that won't change if I am baptized.
All three
of them pretended to understand, but I knew that they didn’t understand my problem. I mean, how could they? Their faith meant so much to
them and they grew up with it. They had friends and family who shared the same
feelings. They weren’t alone...
Sister Elsa
compared my situation to Joseph Smith’s when he had his vision and no one
believed him. I thought it was very overstated because his situation was a
little more complex… but still I found my situation to be very complicated too.
Do I want
to be baptized? Yes, right now I want to. But do I want to change my whole life
for good? I don’t freaking know! I’m 19 years old! I just started the part of
life where you’re supposed to gain new experiences; get drunk, have boyfriends,
maybe try drugs or do other stupid things. But here I am, feeling guilty when drinking
black tea!
At the
moment I don’t know if it’s a decision I can, or want to make forever. What if
I meet the man of my dreams in a few years but he isn’t a Mormon? Should I just
leave church in that case? Would I want to? Would that even work?
You know,
there are people who always read the last page of a book first to see how it
ends. I would never do that! I couldn’t read a book if I knew the end. It would
be deadly boring for me to read it. But right now it feels as if I was reading
the last page of the book of my life…
After the
‘crisis meeting’ I could talk Sister Elsa into singing something for us. She
sang ‘Hallelujah’ and it was incredibly beautiful. She sings like an angel!
Angelic voices are obviously a Mormon thing! :)
