March 13, 2015
I had been
very honest with the Sisters during our next meetings. I told them that I
didn’t exactly enjoy going to church on Sundays because it was so freaking
boring and I couldn’t comprehend some things. Like for example, there was that
one Sunday where apparently every member of the church could bear testimony… or
at least that is how I understood it. However, most of the people who gave
testimony told some rather unspectacular stories, somehow connected it with
God, and suddenly started to cry.
For me - as
“unbeliever” - those were pretty awkward situations. I couldn’t identify with
what they felt and I didn’t really have an understanding for their tears. There
were so many horrible things happening out there in the world and they cried
because of some random experiences. Even grown men! It was so weird!
I just
tried not to grin or show any other sign of incomprehension and waited till it
was over. But that’s not even the Sunday I wanted to talk about. The Sunday I
want to talk about is March 8, 2015. Last Sunday. What happened that day is
really memorable… in a bad way.
In the
morning we went to church. To my surprise – after I had told the Sisters that I
thought church was boring - it wasn’t boring this time. Don’t ask me why! I
have no idea why…
Actually I
was supposed to write down a question and think about it during those three
hours of church, but that didn’t work. There is this annoying voice inside of
my head that always tells me everything I do is not good enough or
embarrassing… though I’m pretty sure the only thing that’s embarrassing is my
stupid, inhibited behavior. I couldn’t get the voice to shut up that day,
though, so I didn’t write down anything, but still, time went by very fast.
I went
home. I was perfectly fine; the sense of euphoria after church was more
remarkable than ever before. But then it happened. Snow White, my best friend,
texted me and asked if I wanted to meet up with her and our dogs in the Park.
Snow is very critical of religion. I know her for almost ten years and we were
so close to each other. She truly was my best friend… but I didn’t dare to tell
her about the Mormons because I was so scared of her reaction. I was meeting
the Sisters for more than 2 months now and had already told some friends about
them. Most of them were extremely suspicious of it and told me to stop meeting
them. Nevertheless they said that it was my decision and that they would
respect it as long as I wouldn’t change, or talk about it all the time. I had
no intention of doing that.
Then there
is Aurora. She’s one of my closest friends. I love her so freaking much! She’s
in a different country as an Au Pair at the moment though. We text non-stop and
try to skype as often as possible. Oh how thankful I am for her! I talked to
her about the whole Mormon-thing before I even met the Sisters for the first
time and she was absolutely cool with it. She said whatever makes me happy is
ok with her. She was excited for me when I told her about the Sisters and how
much I loved them. She even said that she wanted to meet them one day! I miss
her so much… but back to Snow White.
I made a
stupid mistake. I didn’t think and before I knew it I had sent a text that
mentioned the missionaries. And so it was one thing after another. She wanted
to know if I meant ‘missionaries’ as in ‘people who try to force their religion
on other people’. I told her a little bit about the Sisters, how sweet and
lovely they were, and that they didn’t try to force anything on anybody. She
expressed her skepticism. Okay, I entirely understand it! I would be skeptical
too if I was in her position, wouldn’t I?
I told her
that I was kinda serious about it and that I really considered to be baptized,
though, I wasn’t entirely sure about it. Then it really got going! She compared
it to Islamism and tried to explain her position to me by saying that I
wouldn’t be pleased either if she wanted to become Islamist. I was starting to
panic. I hadn’t been prepared for such
a negative reaction.
It was
completely weird but the next words I wrote just came out of nowhere. I was
pretty surprised when I read the message I had just sent.
“My whole life I wasn’t sure if there’s a God,
what’s the meaning of life, etc. …now I finally found a religion that gives me
everything I was looking for. Meeting missionaries of the church since the
beginning of January now…I always tell the Sisters that I’m not sure yet and
actually don’t know if I really want it, but the truth is that this church
already means so much to me and when I think about ending the entire thing…stop
going to church on Sundays…it makes me sad. My parents are against it. My whole
family is against it. I’ve already told Aurora and she’s ok with it. Some of my
University-friends are ok with it too as long as I don’t bother them with it. I
didn’t tell anyone else yet. I wanted to tell you about it so badly, but I was
terrified of your reaction because I know how negative you think about things
like this…I just hope that you maybe understand it a little bit. If you want
to, I could introduce you to some of the church members so that you can see
that they are normal human beings. I really don’t want to lose you…”
I swear,
before I read the message I didn’t know that I was feeling that way. How was
this possible?
For a horribly long time my phone told me that Snow was writing. I was nervous. So freaking nervous. I was incredibly scared of her answer…and there was good reason for my fear.
For a horribly long time my phone told me that Snow was writing. I was nervous. So freaking nervous. I was incredibly scared of her answer…and there was good reason for my fear.
“Sorry, no
sympathy,” were her first words. She said she’d know me well enough to know how
easy to manipulate I was. As an example she named ‘animal protection’. I didn’t
get it… is it a bad thing now to love animals and fight for their rights? She
wrote some more and then she told me to choose between her and the church. She
said she didn’t want to have anything to do with it and would rather keep me in
memory as I was.
What did I
do? My little sister Olaf (she choose that name herself ;P) sat right next to me.
I handed her my phone so that she could read the message. Tears began to flow
from my eyes. When I saw the shocked expression on my little sisters face I
knew that it was true; that my best friend had really wrote that message. My
world suddenly broke down. I knew that I couldn’t choose her friendship over
the church. I don’t know why, but I just knew
that I couldn’t. Amidst all the sorrow and pain it felt right to choose the church. Still, my heart broke. I’ve never been
in a relationship with a guy before so I never went through a break up. But I’m
sure it can’t be worse than this!
It probably
sounds as if Snow White and I weren’t real best friends, but believe me, we
were. In school we were inseparable, we laughed and cried together about
everything, we entrusted our lives to each other… we share a bunch of amazing
memories.
She was the
only person I could really tell everything…(well
except for this thing, I guess). She has always been there for me. And know
that I needed her so much… she was gone.
We didn’t
talk, write, or meet again ever since that day. I’m disappointed, hurt,
sad…angry? No, absolutely not. I get her. But then again I don’t get her at
all. Dang it, she was my best friend!! Both of us wanted to become elementary
school teachers. We wanted to work at the same school, have kids around the
same time so that they could be friends too… I’m still myself! I didn’t change!
I told her that I didn’t really know if I wanted to be baptized! And
still…she’s gone. It hurts so freaking much.
But I do
know that I made the right decision. Someone gave me this quote after I cried
my eyes out in deep despair:
- God
says: "The reason some people have turned against you
and walked away from
you without reason,
has nothing to do with you.
It is because I have removed
them from your life
because they cannot go where I am taking you next.
They
will only hinder you in your next level
because they have already served their
purpose in your life.
Let them go and keep moving.
Greater is coming" -
There is so
much comfort in this quote. It doesn’t really make this situation any easier or
my feelings any less painful…but it gives me hope.
